What if I ruin you?
Oops, I went crazy again, and decided that the baby might not be alive anymore. Someone suggested that I read the What to expect when you are expecting book, and even though I told them it really made me more scared. They assured me if I kept reading, it would calm my fears. So last night, when my fears that the piece of chocolate cake I shared with kevin's sister friday night for his birthday, and well, the frequent yay you are 30 birthday sex (sorry for the tmi--I'm just being honest with my fears here, girls, and Roberto), had in effect killed the baby, I opened What to Expect When You're Expecting, and read an article about how to deal with the grief if your baby dies in utero.
Yes, I know. I have no reason to think there is something wrong. Cake once in a while is all right, I haven't gained a lot of weight, I eat my fruits and veggies and drink my water and avoid caffeine--and sex is supposed to be good, right? But the cake was really delicious, and I hadn't counted on it being that good, so I knew it just might put the baby in a coma or something. And yes, sex is good, right? But well, after having little to no sex drive for so many months, and suddenly it came back--well, could we have done it too much??
And still, I haven't felt it move.....
So I called the midwife, came in, and heard the heartbeat. It's doing fine. And tomorrow, we are having the ultra sound, so, we will get to SEE the baby. So that'll be good.
But then, the midwife, who is so nice, started asking me some really tough questions, like, why exactly are you so worried that something is going to happen to the baby? She wanted me to blurt out five reasons that I am so scared, because she thought that would be the 'real' reasons behind my paranoia. I told her about the cake. I told her it was extremely good, so probably the excess sugar could hurt the baby. It was better than five cookies. That's why I shared it with Kevin's sister. I told her about the lots of sex. So told me both things were not a problem, and asked again why I was so worried.
But, I can't answer that, because it's so many things, but nothing, all at the same time. It's as simple as being aware that while there's no reason the baby should be dead, there's also no reason it should be alive. And that made me cry. And the truth is, it's such a miracle, that I don't feel deserving of it. The fact that I actually conceived feels so precarious, that at any minute it could be taken away, and that's the kind of grief I couldn't bear. I can hardly bear to consider it. Can't she understand that? I'm just an average person--why would I deserve something so wonderful to happen to me? I don't. I just feel like--God made a mistake, and I'm thankful for it, but one day he's going to notice his mistake, and take it away. It's only a matter of time. Sometimes I feel like I just can't afford to get too attached, to get too excited about this, because I could lose it, sometimes I'm just not sure yet that it's real.
How can I depend on my failure of a body to grow and protect this baby. My body has never done anything but let me down--I've always been too tall, too overweight, my feet too long--no matter what I have ever done, my body has fought me on it. OK, OK, I know that stuff doesn't matter, but still. I've always had a crappy immune system, too. I've had chicken pox and then in college, shingles. I had mono a couple years ago. I get classical migraines. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. My body is working against me. Why would it keep my baby alive?
My midwife suggested I see a counselor. I told her I was already seeing one for anxiety. She thinks I have some issues not being able to love myself. Self esteem issues. She wants me to talk to my counselor to work on that.
I'll talk to my counselor about this, but, I don't think I really have any self esteem issues. It's just the truth. Selt esteem issues would be a problem if I believed things about myself that were negative and untrue. But everything I believe is true.
If the baby survives God trying to take it back and my body working against it, what if I ruin it? What if I do something horrible to the baby that scars it for the rest of it's life, and it hates me? I would never do it on purpose, but, what if I screw up? What if I let it go for a weekend with it's grandparents, and the grandparents are horrible to it, and the baby has a horrible time, and then never forgives me because I was supposed to protect it? I'm the mom, I'm supposed to protect it. What if the baby likes dogs, and so I get it a dog, but then one day the dog bites the baby for some reason, and the baby is afraid of dogs forever, and hates me because I let it have a dog that bit it??
We saw the Chronicles of Narnia this weekend, and I didn't really like it. What if I let the baby watch a movie like that, and then the scene where they do the creepy satanic ritual sacrifice scares the baby, and it has nightmares?
What if I protect the baby too much from the world, and then it's too trusting, and some unscrupulous human hurts it somehow later on when it grows up?
You know, I'm not a stupid girl. Why did I never think of any of this before? And why am I thinking about it all now? How can I make this stop, because it's nonsense. Right?
It's going to be fine, really.
The midwife called after I stopped in, to make sure I was seeing my counselor at least weekly.
*sigh*
I can't help it though. I just don't feel like I have the ability to control anything--not even my thoughts. Does someone know the secret, to making this all better?
It's a miracle any of us were ever born at all.
posted by ElliottPreciousPants @ 12:32 PM
6 Comments:
it is a miracle any of us were born. a beautiful, really cool miracle. my parents got divorced, both smoked, i was an awful kid, ran away, said mean things to them. they weren't perfect, and neither was i. there were really f-ed up things that happened to me, that if they knew about them, they would have felt awful- that those are the things they should have protected me from. When it comes down to it, all you can do is your best, and be honest with your kid. that way you'll have the best of a situation, even if the situation happens to be crummy. My dad says the job of a parent is to work yourself out of a job. you have to trust at each step of the way (including while you're still preggers) that you are making the best choices you can. That way, come what may, you won't second guess yourself.
As for your body, it's breathed and heartbeated and carried a smart brain around in it for a bunch of years. that's a pretty tough job, and said body seems to have succeeded. millions of women have gone before you in this havin babies thing. you are way tougher than at least half of them. if their bodies can do it (and believe me, i've seen some pretty unhealthy bodies do it), you certainly can. cake and sex can't kill the baby, only make the mommy happy. that's not criminal, and just because you are the mommy doesn't mean that every moment for your life you have to be sacrificing for the baby. you will- miss things you want to eat, places you'd prefer to go, etc. But you do still have your own life, and cake and sex still get to be part of that.
Melissa, I really appreciate that. I love cake. And I love sex. I also love margaritas, but am giving those up til it's born.
You are right, I guess my body hasn't totally screwed me over--things could be worse. It's not like I ever had cancer or something, and despite the fact that I think my immune system is crappy, and I've felt any variation of the too tall/too fat/too large of feet things,well, none of those things have ever prevented me from doing anything I want to do.
So why would it start now? Why wouldn't it continue to let me do everything I want to do, even though it's not perfect?
Except step. The midwife told me I can't do step anymore, because she's afraid I will lose my balance and fall.
And there have been lots of times that my parents have screwed up and done stuff they shouldn't have, and I have done things I shouldn't have--but the point is, I realize now as an adult that they screwed up sometimes because everyone does, and I still love them and forgive them for their screw up (and promise myself to watch for that when I am raising my own children).
So you are right. Some cake and some sex--those are great things, and they won't kill the baby. It's not as fragile as I seem to keep imagining it is I guess. Moms who are addicted to drugs give birth to babies all the time, right? Those are the moms that should be worried. Not me. I shouldn't be so worried, I have no reason to worry. Cake and sex aren't coke and bungee jumping.
So now that you've helped me put this back into the right perspective--how can I keep it there? Why do I keep losing my perspective?
I realize that you are probably sick to death of hearing me and my "what if I ruin the baby's life" or "what if the baby's dead?" routine. I'm sorry. I really truly, don't feel like I can help it. And I'm definitely making Kevin crazy with it.
And I realize it's probably a huge pain in the ass for you to tell me all the time how OK I really am, and not to worry. But seriously--I appreciate it. You help bring me back to reality when I am losing it. Actually, all of you who post on here do. Thank you, and I love you for it. Hopefully, I can provide the same kind of reassurance for you when you need it.
I'm having the ultra sound tomorrow. I will get pictures. I am going to do everything I can to get those pictures posted on here, so you can see the baby!
Hopefully, it will be kicking and stuff soon. Then maybe next time I see you, you can feel it kick! That will be exciting!
you will forget that life is pretty rational, and you will worry, because you love your baby. that's what the vet told me about otis. we were talking about, well, what happens if surgery doesn't go well...? and i decided it had to be discussed, so i could be prepared, but when it came to it, i got a little teary... and apologized, collected myself, etc. The vet said- i'd be more worried if you weren't upset at all. you're worried because you love him."
The same way, you will always worry about babypants. you have to train yourself to have reactions that don't shelter the baby, like you said, but also that recognize your need to be reassured about your health, your child's health, and your ability to be a mom, physically and mentally. it's part of what i like about knitting- that feeling that millions of women have gone before you, you must be able to do it too!
Honestly, as unique as we all are, I think that what you're feeling must be absolutely the most normal thing in the world. I would totally be like that. I think mothers just always worry about their babies. That's why your mom calls to check up on you. And my mom calls to check up on me. And we've been out of the womb for 28 years!
Also, I think every expectant mom has doubts about how good of a mom they will be. If you didn't, well, then you'd be the weird one.
And I would venture to guess a lot of the anxiety has to do with your hormones. I have a lot more anxiety and worry about things when I'm pmsing - I can't imagine the havoc pregnancy hormones cause. And menopausal women are certifiably nuts, so you know that's it's probably just the hormones at the end of the day.
Feel better. I honestly can't think of any one who'd make a better mom than you. And I have always thought that about you.
Thank you ladies. I really appreciate your reassurance.
I'm feeling a lot more sane today. We have our ultra sound this afternoon!
Really. It's amazing how one day I can feel so crazy, and then the next day, not quite so crazy....
It would be great if I would have more of these not so crazy days...
:)
Thanks girls:) When you guys get knocked up someday, I'm going to be there for you when you are crazy too (hopefully you won't be, but, there's a chance you might be....)
If there is such a thing, you are my ego twin. I totally understand what you are saying and often feel the same way, right down to the point of how it must not be a self-esteem issue if my statements are true. But they are because it's all in how you approach it.
It's easy for me to tell you not to worry and that you're fine, the baby's fine, etc., and that you are fine the way you are, but I know I think all those things, too. Just try to consider how you respond if this was someone else.
Give us the good ultrasound news - i wanna know how it goes :).
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