The Fabulous Life of....Cheaters??

This is something I can't even fathom. People. Cheating. On their spouses? Is this really so common? And if it's common, why???

It still doesn't feel possible that my dad cheated on my mom. Today she made the comment that it was 2 years ago now. Well, 2 years ago since we all found out....But yet it feels like it was yesterday. She shock of it all is still so unsettling. I feel like I haven't really had time to get used to the idea, because it's so foreign. It can't have happened.

But it did.

First of all, you would have to know my dad. He's great. And he adores my mom. He's one of the few good guys left out there. You can depend on him. You can trust him. He's home every night. He read to us. He cooked us dinner. He played Mr. Mom several times throughout my life--when my mom was sick or pregnant with my brother--or even when he was laid off, and my mom was working more to make ends meet. They were a team. My dad's not one of those guys you imagine when you imagine a cheater.

You know--shady.

Dirty.

Doesn't care about his children.

Mistreats/disrespects his wife.

Anyone who knows him, knows that none of those things describe him. And you would have to know my mom too. Loyal, always willing to help you out, and ridiculously in love with my dad. Likes to make pies. Had a keychain for years with pictures of her three children as infants attached to it. Spent her entire Christmas bonus one year on a Santa Claus costume for my dad, because he was playing Santa for a family friend's Christmas party, and was so excited about the role but the suit he had wasn't very nice. Wears a button on her jacket she picked up in Cedar Point several years ago that says My (heart) belongs to Kurt.

And then you have to take a look at the big picture. My parents live in a nice house. They live comfortably. The like to do things, like eat dinner together/go on vacation/watch movies/dance together in the middle of the kitchen when a cheesy love song comes on the radio. And you might think "Oh well all relationships are like that at the beginning..." But they were like that for twenty-five years.

And then one day we found out he was having an affair. And then everything became a lie. It fell apart. You might be thinking that I am referring to everything in their relationship--but no, I mean everything in our lives. Everything was a lie, and everything crumbled. Not just for my mom and dad, but for all of us.

Let me give you an example: I believed my dad loved my mom so much, that he would never intentionally hurt her. But he did. So I was wrong.

I have always believed he loves me. I believed in my father's love for me as strongly as I believed in his love for my mom. I believe my father would never do anything to cause me pain on purpose--just as much as I believed it for my mother.

But he did. He did it. And he did it on purpose.

And if he could do that to her, he could do that to me. He could do it to my brothers. He did. I don't think he took how this would affect any of us into consideration when he did it. He can't have. Because deep down I still believe in how much he loves us, and based on that love, I know if he had thought about it, he wouldn't have done it.

But, it's tough to believe that he didn't think about it, considering it went on for over a year I think. It wasn't a one time deal. I feel like we are all living in the Joyce Caroll Oates' book, We were the Mulvaneys, a book that I despise, because it's about the tragic downfall of a happy family--and they never recover.

Torn. That's the most accurate way to describe how I feel. But not the most powerful. I feel betrayed for myself, and the rest of my family, by my dad. I hurt for him, because he has to live with how much he has hurt us for the rest of his life. I'm scared sometimes that he won't be able to live with it. I love him still, and I don't even want him to hurt for the pain he caused all of us. I hurt for my mom, because I can't even begin to imagine the kind of pain she must feel every day. If I feel it this strongly--I can't even imagine how she must feel.

Nothing is the same. I don't think anything ever will be the same. How can it be?

This really brings out the worst in me as well, because while I hate that I feel so much pain, I want other people to feel it too. The woman he cheated with--well, I guess her family never found out. She has children and a husband. Why are our lives turned upside down, and their lives get to be normal? Her children shouldn't get to be pain free, are they any better than us? Almost every day I fight the urge to contact her family, and tell them what she did. I want to ruin their lives too. I don't want them to be happy, I don't want her children to respect her. I want them to feel betrayed too. I want them to worry about their father committing suicide because he can't deal with the betrayal the way I worry about my mother doing it.

Monster. That's what I sound like, a monster. What kind of person would wish this on innocent people? Why on earth would I want to destroy another family--hasn't enough damage already been done? I must be a monster. I suspect though, that few people who know me would put me into that monster category. I don't know. Maybe I am wrong. But I would bet that the people who know me, are surprised to have read that paragraph above. Because I know that's wrong. I know that ruining their lives, won't make mine better. I know how mean that is, I know how awful--but all the guilt in the world can't make me stop considering it. I can't stop resenting her family because they can still be happy.

I know I have to get over it, and sometimes I have glimpses where I think I am. I'm just not really sure how.

And then we get to the next part--why would someone do this? I have a friend who cheats. How can people who cheat on their spouse claim that they love their spouse? But yet, they do. I know a few cheaters, all of whom claim they love their spouse, but also claim to want more. More? More what?? More trust? More comfort? More love? Should have thought about that before you married someone. What about your commitment? What about your respect for the other person? I have another friend who I don't think cheats (he would be wise to not tell me if he does) but describes his wife as "Wonderful. Paradise. But if you are in Paradise for 9 years, you get sick of even Paradise after a while, and would love to visit anywhere else...". What about the promise that you make to the other person? I just don't understand what could happen inside your brain that would cause you to do this to someone. To your family. I've heard the argument that as humans we aren't meant to be with only one person forever. I agree with that. But as humans, we make the choice to do just that--even though we might not be meant to. If you don't want to be faithful to your spouse--then don't get married, and don't have children. Just because you can't make up your mind doesn't mean you get to ruin a bunch of people's lives.

Is there anyone else out there who has felt this before? Am I the only one to go through this?