Still not over it.

This weekend, Kevin and I had our marriage sacramentalized in the catholic church. I was raised catholic, and I was married in a Lutheran church (had my grandma still been alive, I don't think I could have done that--would have to have been a catholic church). Kevin and I have since decided that we want to raise our children catholic. Despite the fact that he grew up Lutheran, he likes the catholic church quite a bit, and we have decided that provided we still live in Delaware, we want our kids to attend catholic schools. Now outside of DE--we will reconsider. But the schools here suck so much that catholic schools are the best option.

Now getting into a catholic school isn't what it used to be--but that's for another blog.

Anyhow, we decided that since we plan to raise our children catholic, we might as well go all the way, and have our marriage sacramentalized.

By the way, it was a wonderful ceremony--what a beautiful experience. But again, I digress...


For this blessed occasion, I had to get a new dress. Not a wedding dress, just something dressy enough to stand up in front of the entire church and show them that I was taking this seriously. So of course, I bought like 4 dresses, took them home, decided which one made me look less fat, and took all the other back. Girls, you know what I'm talking about.

Saturday, I was taking one of the dresses back. I was standing at the counter of this store, and another woman was also standing there. The sales girl had talked me into holding my return at the counter while I looked around, and I didn't find anything so I went up there to be waited on. Apparently the other woman had picked out some items, and was waiting for someone to wait on her as well.

So a sales girl comes up, grabs my dress, and says to the other woman "Are you returning this?"

And the other woman says "No, that small fortune of stuff behind you is mine" as she points to a pile of undergarments (bras, undies, and some of those suck in your stomach underwear).

I say "The dress is mine" and another sales girl comes up and starts doing my return.

The sales woman looks at both of us as she starts scanning the other ladies undergarments and says "Oh yeah, isn't it a shame that we spend so much money on this stuff and no one sees it?"

And I said "Well your husband would see it, so it's not a total loss..."

The sales woman: "Well, I would never met my husband see me in these (holding up girdle-type suck it in undies). If he is going to see my underwear, I am going to put on a thong!"

I say: "Your husband is lucky then, because I wear whatever..."

Other woman interjects (woman whose underwear we are talking about) : "I lost my husband last Friday".

silence. Sad silence.

Sales girl and tell her how sorry we are to hear that.

Other woman says "When I woke up last Friday, he was in bed next to me, and he was gone. He had had a massive heart attack while we slept."

I say again "Oh my God, I am so sorry. I didn't mean to be insensitive."

She says "It's ok, there's no way you could have known. He was 32. I buried him Tuesday morning."

So now I am tearing up, and again I say "Oh my God, I am so sorry."

She says "It's ok, thank you, it's been really hard. We have two little girls, and it's been really hard with them. They are only 2 and 4, and they don't really understand it yet."

Now I am trying not to look at her, concentrating really heard on signing my credit slip for my return, imagining how horrifying it would be for me if A. Something happened to Kevin and B. Something happened to Kevin and a stranger I didn't know in a store started talking to me about intimate husband-wife things, like being not fully clothed around each other, and knowing I will never have that again with him. So, almost not able to hold it together, I say "My heart goes out to you so much."

And it does. And I have to look away to wipe away my tears, because it's not going to help her at this point that some random stranger is crying for her. She's trying to move on.

And in a couple hours, I am going to church to hold hands with my husband, repeat vows, and have my marriage sacramentalized.

And then she says "Just, if you have someone in your life that you love, don't take them for granted, because you never know what could happen. I never knew I was going to lose him, and now, he's gone, and I never knew that I was going to wake up without him Friday morning. Just don't take that person for granted."

So I wiped away my tears as best I could (hopefully she didn't see) and I touch her arm and tell her I am sorry, and that my thoughts are with her.

And they are. I can't let it go. That was Saturday, and today is Tuesday, and I can't see through my tears hardly as I type this.

Everytime I tell someone the story, I cry. In fact, you might say I spent the majority of my day Sunday crying about it to Kevin. I told one of my friends in my confirmation class about it, and cried.

I don't even know her. I certainly didn't know her husband. And I hurt so much for them.

Why is this tearing me up so much? Why can't I get over this? This woman probably has no idea that some total stranger has been praying and thinking about her for days. I wonder if I have ever impacted a total stranger in a way to cause them to think and pray for me for days without knowing it.

What is wrong with me? It's not like I haven't heard these sad stories before. It's not like sad things haven't happened to me before. With people I know. What is up with this?