Did you know.....????!!!!!
I have learned a lot about getting 'knocked up' over the past few months. Although I have proven to be a failure at it, since I continue to only 'eat for one', if you know what I mean.
Just as an FYI to you ladies out there, did you know.....
Saliva kills sperm. Almost as effectively as spermicide.
Water also kills sperm.
The 'pregnancy position' is missionary. All other positions are NOT conducive to pregnancy.
You remember that rumor you heard in high school that after you do it, if you get up and jump up and down all the sperm will come out? TRUE!!! Yes, I said TRUE!!!! Sort of. It doesn't all come out, but if trying to get pregnant, you should do it missionary style with nothing that involves water or saliva, and then not get up again for several hours.
Cleaning up reduces your chances. Don't clean up after the deed.
Did you all know this?? I didn't know all this. I thought I was pretty knowledgeable, and there I am blushing my head off at my gynecologist as he went through the frequently unknown rules. Yeah. How embarrassing. So I just thought I would share, in case anyone else out there doesn't know this stuff, like me. Then you can avoid the embarrassment.
So, when you really think about it, isn't it amazing that people get pregnant on accident??? It seems so unlikely, so difficult--it makes you realize just what a miracle it must be when it happens that way. Not to mention, you are only fertile like 2 days of the entire month. What are the chances??
Nothing new is going on here. I just wanted to post, because I haven't in so long I was feeling like a slacker. Well, I've just been too busy getting busy. :) You know what else? People seem to think this is so comforting when you turn out not pregnant. Like when your body tricks you and your period is a day or two late, and you take a million pregnancy tests because you KNOW, I mean YOU KNOW, that this time you are pregnant--even though they all keep coming back negative, but you've been doing all the things you are supposed to do and you've been doing it a lot and your period is late (yes!!!) and then...you get it. And people console you with "Well, that's all right! You still get to keep practicing and that's the fun part!" Or when your husband tries to console you this way. It sucks. You don't want to keep 'practicing', you get to do that whenever you want. You want to be pregnant. You have wonderful dreams about telling all your family and friends that you are pregnant, and you want to pick out quilts for the baby's room and pick out names for the baby, and buy a baby Mozart CD to play next to your big pregnant belly so your baby is born a genius....and then you are bleeding, and your body tricked you and it sucks. And the fact that you get to keep having sex does not console you because YOU WOULD GET TO DO THAT ANYWAY!!!!! *sigh*. This is why people don't tell anyone when they are trying. Because then when people say "Are you pregnant yet?", you want to cry and say "No I suck! My body seems to be working against me! All sorts of people get pregnant all the time without trying, and I can't even do it while trying!! What the hell is wrong with me??"
It was so hard to see how disappointed Kevin was when I told him I wasn't pregnant.
It's ok. I know it'll happen eventually. It will. I know.
In the meantime, I have three wonderful bunnies.
Who are not children, even though I love them like children.
Wouldn't it have been great, if this mother's day I was actually on the road to becoming a mother?
Sorry this is such a downer. I was going to try and keep it light, but, I'm pretty disappointed.
posted by ElliottPreciousPants @ 7:07 PM
7 Comments:
Oh, I'm sorry Elliot. I'm sure it will all work out. Like you said, a woman's only fertile for like 2 days a month so if you go by that, you've only had a handful of chances. So you're totally not a failure for not being able to conceive on those five days or whatever it is.
So, there is nothing wrong with you. It will totally happen. I know it will.
And I promise I will never ask you if you're pregnant yet. I won't even ask you when you're clearly about to deliver. I'll pretend not to notice.
Hehe, I love you:)
Asking if I am pregnant is fine by those people I don't mind crying in front of. So you can ask. But you can't use the fact that I can keep trying as consolation!!
Um, but please, will you please pretend not to notice that I am about to deliver??? That would be quite funny. Especially if I am actually delivering and you call and say "hey, I'm in town! What to grab some drinks" and then I say "No I am delivering the baby!" and you start making the crackling noise like you have bad reception and can't hear me. Haha.
Thanks for your support:) You won't have to ask by the way, because I will be telling everyone when it happens:):)
I am in a much better mood about the whole thing today anyhow:). I was just down yesterday in general.
OK, but seriously, did you know all that stuff about getting pregnant???
maybe i only knew that stuff cuz i work in ob/gyn. tons of people don't get pregnant for awhile, then it happens. it's a whole year of trying it out before they even consider calling you infertile (yuck- that word!). are you doing the temperature thing? none of my business, but it's another thing to throw in the mix if you don't know about it. there's lots of wive's tales too. some of it is good advice, some of it, not so much. let me know if you want any of the lore....
and ps- thank god about that saliva thing, huh? i used to imagine a really bad scene in my tummy....
Actually I was advised AGAINST the temperature thing. He told me that the temp thing only tells you that you already ovulated, and not to get wrapped up in it. He suggested I try the clearblue easy ovulation test kit. I tried it. Little blotches of white get little pink stripes, so I guess it's working.
I am out of the game for May (got a nasty bug bite in Jamaica, taking a month's worth of antibiotics, so, no trying now) but back in the game in June. Yes, I definitely want the lore. It makes me feel a lot better than just the knowledge that I keep getting to have sex (Melissa, do you ever encounter anyone that is actually comforted by this? Am I alone in being reminded that you can still have sex doesn't help??)
Yes, please send the lore.
Saliva--hmm. I never imagined bad scenes.....it just mostly surprised me. It brings porn into a whole new arena--when you pick up a magazine and look at it and think "ha! She would never get pregnant doing it that way!" You definitely look at sex in a whole new way.
You know, even though that may be true about the saliva/water thing, I still don't BELIEVE it. Just seems too random.
And melissa - your second post made me laugh. Juvenilely.
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