She hates me--the wedding might be over, but the bridesmaid woes will last a lifetime!

So some of you might be a little familiar with this story. But this is an update. So there is this girl I know, named Mary. Mary and I worked together at my old job. Mary was crazy, but not the weird scary kind of crazy. She was the kind of crazy that would cry a lot, and no matter what happened always think that she had something to do with it (aka, If you told her you don't like Chinese food, she would think she was responsible. If she saw the new Star Wars movie and loved it, while you thought it was boring, if you told her that she would think you were trying to hurt her feelings.)

OK, so, Mary and I were good friends despite the fact that she was a little crazy. Then I met Kevin, and a few things went wrong. For example, Kevin asked me to go away for a vacation with his family while we were dating, and she decided that a party she wanted to have was going to be that same weekend. Well, I opted to go away for a weekend with Kevin and his family instead of to her party. She saw this as a sign that I didn't care about her. She did not see this as a sign that I was dating a new guy pretty seriously, wanted to get to know his family, and had told him before knowing about the party date that I would go with him.

Anyhow. I got engaged, moved away....and soon the wedding was being planned and bridal party attendants were decided. Kevin and I really maxed out our wedding party with family members--those who were at the wedding know I didn't have a lot of friends in the wedding, only a handful. Lots of brothers/sisters/sisters in law in the mix though. It soon because obvious that I would not be asking Mary to be in the wedding.

For those of you who have been married, you know that this is a difficult task. I was 26 when I got married, and had been in a bunch of weddings already. It doesn't always work out the way of 'I'll ask so and so to be in my wedding, because I was in theirs'. Sometimes it just doesn't work that way. But you know there are those people who just 'assume' that they are your maid of honor or whatever. I suspected Mary would be one of these. Some people came right out and said things like "Well, I'm going to be your maid of honor, right? I mean I am your best friend, and you don't have any sisters..." hmmm. Luckily I was able to sidestep these situations, and only 2 people even did that to me (neither of them were in the wedding). So, the way I began tactfully letting people know that they were NOT a part of the bridal party, is when they asked about the wedding and who was to be involved, I would list off the people who were in the bridal party, hoping that they would notice that I didn't say their name, so they hadn't been asked. It seemed like the most sensitive and tactful way to handle it.

For most people, this worked fine. I had a few people that replied with a disappointed "Oh", and then a pause, and then they seemed to get over it. Most people responded with "Oh, that's nice, sounds like you have a big wedding!" For either of those responses, I would say "Yes, it is a big wedding, but as you can tell, mostly family--" and point out how few of my friends I was able to include, and what a tough decision it was because I love all my friends so much and I just hoped that no one would have hurt feelings.

And for the most part--that's the way it was. For the most part. Now we come to Mary's story.

Now, she loves weddings, and takes offense to everything. So I have to admit up front--she was probably going to be of those who responded with a disappointed "Oh", and then when no one was around would cry about it. I thought it would be best if I told her in person when I was home next, hoping that it would be better for her. I made arrangements to have lunch with her the next time I was in Michigan, and she stood me up. Something about not knowing what time we were supposed to meet, so just figured she would not call and not show and then just give me a hard time over e-mail when I returned to Delaware for not telling her what time to meet up with her for lunch. Hmm. Weird.

So I tried to tell her over the phone--but couldn't quite seem to get her to answer when I called, and she didn't seem to feel like calling me back. Hmm. OK. So she was busy with her new man. I understand that.

So one day, she e-mails me a nice bright and happy e-mail, and asks the question: "So, who all is going to be in the wedding part?" I figured I better take a shot at letting her know now, so she can have her moment of disappointment and then get over it, so I can ask her to be a hostess.

Boy, I totally underestimated her desire to be a bridesmaid. At LEAST a bridesmaid.

So I sent off my e-mail, feeling proud of myself because this was the last of my friends that didn't yet know the details of the wedding party situation, and so far everything had been all right and since Mary and I were so close I was sure she could see what kind of position I was in, already having 8 bridesmaids and most of them family members--

But she didn't understand, and she could most definitely not see my position at all.

She never responded to me, and a few days later I heard from some mutual friends, who told me she was absolutely insane with rage, and she wouldn't stop crying because she wasn't in the wedding. They also told me that she was telling people I had taken her shopping with me for bridesmaids dresses, told her she would be my maid of honor, and then changed my mind with no explanation. (ok, in case you don't know, that NEVER HAPPENED. NONE of it. Well, she did go crazy and cry forever, but I never took her shopping for dresses and I never told her she would be my maid of honor. So, she was angry at me and told people that I guess because she wanted to make them think I was a horrible bitch. OK, whatever. She's angry, those who know me know that it didn't happen like that.)

Wow. So I figured I better lie low for a while, let her have some time to get over it.

Weeks turned into months, and the word from back home was that she was working to erase any memory of my existence--it was like a bad break-up. She never mentioned my name, and when people would say my name, she acted like she didn't know who I was.

Finally, in October, I sent her an e-mail birthday card. I chose an e-mail card because you can track them to see if the recipient has opened them or just deleted them, and I wanted to know if she hated me enough that she would just delete it, or if she would open it. Remember, I have a whole bunch of friends that I was much closer to than her, and knew for much longer. And everyone else was OK. I figured I better try and make contact so that I could ask her to be a hostess, and if not, at least put us on speaking terms so I could invite her to the wedding. I mean, not inviting her to my wedding was something I could never undo--and surely we would some day get over this.....

No. We didn't. She read my e-mail, never responded, and that was it. I e-mailed a woman we both worked with (I'll call her Amy for this e-mail), and asked Amy what I should do, I really wanted to invite her to the wedding, I know she's not over it, could Amy talk to her?

Well, because of all the trash talk from Mary, Amy thinks I'm a piece of crap. But also thinks Mary should be over it by now. She talks to Mary, tells me "People make choices, not always good ones, and Mary has made her choice. I wish this wasn't her choice."

The wedding happens, and Mary isn't involved. Not even invited. What choice did I have?

I exchange maybe one more friendly e-mail with Amy after the wedding, because she asks me to send her a few pictures (she wasn't invited). So I do.

Now here we are, in the present. A few weeks ago, I am laying awake one night, feeling kind of sad that my friendship with Mary ended so badly. Too bad really, because I really liked her a lot and we had a lot of fun together. I really am sorry that she seems to think I am the antichrist, and it's really unfortunate that she probably thinks I did all of this with the sole motivation of hurting her. That makes me feel kinda sad, so I e-mailed her again. I write to her and told her I was sorry that I had done something to make her hate me, and since she hadn't spoken to me or acknowledged me in over a year now, I was realizing she was probably never going to forgive me. I also told her honestly, that I suspected she might be disappointed that I didn't ask her to be in the wedding, but I always really figured that our friendship was strong enough to overcome that, and that she would eventually forgive me because she must know that I didn't do anything to hurt her on purpose.

Haha, what a dumbass I was.

She wrote back after a few weeks. It was long, it was crazy, it was rambling. But mostly it was crazy. And full of drama. I just got her note last week.

She started by saying that if I knew her at all, I would know that I could never do anything that would make her hate me. Hmm. I thought that was a good start--

--but it all went downhill from there. She went on to say that even though she didn't hate me, she has some things to say. Then she basically started talking about how she was the most important person in my life, and so when she found out that she wasn't in the wedding, she just couldn't decide how she was so much less important that everyone else on the earth. Blah blah about that for a while--THEN she told me what a jerk I was for having all those bridesmaid dresses at my house and having her try them on and tell me which ones she would wear since she was going to be my maid of honor. !?!?! What?? OK, so I knew she was telling other people something along these lines, but can you believe she tried this on me? If anyone knew she was lying about this, she has to know it would be me. Why did she even try to feed me this like of crap? Nothing even close to that even happened.

And of course, the way I told her was insensitive. I went around the issue, and never actually came right out and said "I'm sorry Mary, you aren't going to be in the wedding". Hmm. She's right. I never did that. I thought it seemed more sensitive to just politely point out those people in the wedding, instead of just "Oh, in case you thought you might be in the wedding, well, you aren't, just so you know. Sorry." !?!? She thought that was more sensitive? Does anyone else think that was more sensitive than the way I handled it?

And at what point did she decide that she was more important that any of my family or other friends?

Of course, she also accused me of not taking her feelings into consideration at all when making this choice, because I knew how she felt about weddings, and that if I couldn't handle having her in the bridal party, the least I owed to her was to have her sing at the wedding or be a hostess or something.

Then, she told me she was especially hurt that I had this one guy Caleb as my usher, because she never knew that Caleb and I were even friends. How did she not know Caleb and I were friends? We worked together and hung out every day, and sometimes got together on the weekends--she was usually invited to join us--how did she not know??? She made a weird comment about Caleb and I bonding over our lifelong weight issues....which I know must have been sarcasm, because Caleb is skinny as a stick, but, what was that implying? That only people who aren't think should have been in the wedding, because I'm not thin? What the hell did that even mean?

The last disturbing thing, was that she told me that out of respect for her, she wanted me to not have anymore contact with Amy. She said I always hated Amy, and so out of respect for her, she doesn't want me to contact her anymore. ?? Hmm. I don't even know when I started hated Amy. We weren't close friends, she wasn't even invited to the wedding, but we were acquaintances and had I still been at my old job, she would have probably been invited. Weird. Out of respect for her......hmmm.

So she ended by basically telling me she wishes me and Kevin all the best, have a nice life, and what the hell made me decide to contact her? Why now?

So. I didn't write back, and I don't plan to. There is no one else that wasn't involved in the wedding that is this crazy or bitter. Not that I know of at least. I don't even know how to respond. I think I am just going to let it go. I liked her, but honestly putting up with all her crap and neediness was a lot of work. It was a tough friendship because so much was expected of you. The letter to me looks like she does hate me, no matter what she says. I know that continuing this friendship will probably only bring me more pain. And now, how would I go about broaching the subject of, why are you going around lying about things? This is supposed to be a situation where she is mad at me, and I am sorry. I know she won't take well to me turning the tables and saying "Look you insane b*tch, I said I was sorry. It's not my fault you are so delusional that you made crap up that you now believe, and that you think the entire world revolves around you. Despite what you think, I didn't decide to get married and not include you because I felt like hurting your feelings. Besides, I am mad at YOU now for being such a fool and not getting over this sooner, you dummy. You should consider yourself lucky that I've been this cool for this long--after all this was supposed to be MY day, MY event--and as far as having you in my wedding--I owe you NOTHING! I didn't owe you a 'spot' in the bridal party, and I don't owe you an explanation for why you didn't get picked, and I think you should be a little more grateful that I was so sensitive and took your feelings into consideration, because I didn't have to tell you crap."

Yeah, none of that would make things better. All it will do is prolong the ugliness. Probably best I just drop it and let it go--chalk it up to the 'not as good a friend as I thought she was' category. Strangely enough, that's close to what she said about me in her crazy rambling e-mail......

Insights please. What should I have done differently? I hope I can at least learn from this. Maybe I am just bad with people. If you think I am being a jerk, please let me know. I know this is long, sorry....I'm just feeling badly about it still for some reason.