Note to self: never do that.

As far as I was concerned, the shower festivities were really starting the Friday morning before the shower. Mom, my Aunt Dee, and I (as well as whoever else wanted to partake of the fun) were getting together to make petite fours. For the shower. Now, if you've never made (or eaten) a petite four, let me tell you--FUN. Petite fours are these tiny little bite size cakes, and you make them in pans that are like mini tart pans. You flip them upside down, and then you make this delicious glaze that you pour like a waterfall over each one. It's really fun. Then you make a little flower on the top, with some little green leaves around it--and wa-la. We planned to make 12 dozen, but we were afraid it wouldn't be enough. We ended up making more, and we had enough. We made chocolate, white, and rainbow confetti. All were covered with white almond icing, and blue flowers. A delicacy!

But Friday morning didn't go as I had envisioned (me, mom, my aunt, smiling, laughing, spending our day chatting and decorating tiny bite sized cakes, while I occasionally videotaped so that the Pants can someday when his grandma and great aunt dee are old and dead how they worked to make his shower special). My mom asked me to run an errand for her, and go to the mall. So I did. And when I came home, something happened. I don't know what, but she was all pissed off. Ridiculously so. Moaning about how the house was a mess, aunt Dee was coming over before she could clean the house, and she hadn't showered yet, and she had more than 12 dozen petite fours to make and there were never going to be enough and she never has any help with anything and she's never going to get these pain in the ass petite fours done, and she wished no one was helping because she didn't want anyone to see her crazy messy house (which, by the way, is never really crazy messy...but whatever).

Immediately I feel guilty, because clearly the stress of having a shower for me and making petite fours is too much for her to handle, and she's mad about it. But that sucks, because I never asked for a shower, and I certainly never expected petite fours, because they are a lot of work. But I still feel guilty, because it's for me, and look how miserable she is.

Oh, and she has to call and give the number of people coming to the lady at the restaurant where the shower is taking place that morning, and she doesn't have a count yet, because Kevin's mom hasn't given her a count, and some people haven't RSVP'd, and she has no idea who's coming, or how many, and therefore she doesn't even know how many stinkin' petite fours to make.

Totally, not how I envisioned this in my head. Why are things never the way they appear in your head?

So we start making petite fours, her and I. She mixes them and puts them in the gazillion pans, and I get out the cooling racks and when they are baked, dump them gently onto a towel and set them up upside down style on the cooling racks, while she prepares more. Aunt Dee gets there, and we start decorating. She seems to be less crazy when Aunt Dee gets there, and I start thinking "OK, catastrophe avoided", but it's not quite because them Aunt Dee asks where my dad is, and mom says something like "Oh, probably outside avoiding me, because he knows if I see him I'll ask him to do something". Hmm.

So I get out the video camera, and say "Hey, look at all these petite fours, this is really cool, I want to get a little footage of Grandma and Great Aunt Dee working on Mr. Baby's baby shower" I turn it on, tell them to say hello, but my mom wigs out because she hasn't had a chance to do her hair, and hasn't brushed her teeth that day yet.

!?! So what? How many easter and christmas mornings do we have video of all of us in our pajamas, opening gifts, looking for easter baskets, obviously not dressed or teeth brushed---not to mention, who would know from a video that she hadn't yet brushed her teeth? So I felt pretty bad that she refused, because I really wanted some kind of nice memory immortalized. But she recently lost like 25 pounds, and since then, she only prefers it when people see her wearing glitter jeans and a rhinestone studded tank top, so, maybe that's part of it, I don't know. Either way, that kinda hurt. I felt like I had put up with a lot all morning, was being punished for having a kid so that she HAD to throw a baby shower--and the short video refusal was the end. Especially since the reasons behind the refusal were so unwarranted.

So making petite fours is no longer the fun, happy experience I used to have stored in my memory. Now it reminds me of the super crappy morning before my baby shower.

Aunt Dee left, and mom asked me to call the restaurant and tell them 55 people were coming. So I called, and the lady said we couldn't get in to set up until 11. Now I knew my mom was planning on being there at 10:30, and that the shower was starting at 11:30. So I asked the lady, if that was a change, because my mom was planning to arrive earlier than that. She said no, they can only open an hour early to let people in. !?! An hour early? They open at noon, and the shower starts at 11:30?? Yes, she verified that they open at noon.

That sounds pretty major, so I hung up, went in the kitchen and told my mom, "Hey, I don't know what can be done about this, but they just told me you can't get in until 11, and they open at noon! Doesn't the shower start at 11:30?" She was like, "What?? Why can't we get in until 11? Oh well." I said "More importantly, they said they open at noon! What about people who will get there at 11:30, when it's supposed to start? Are they going to have to wait outside, or do you think they will let them in, since we will be in there decorating anyhow?" Then mom freaks out and starts yelling at me that she just cant take this anymore, runs to her bedroom and slams the door.

So what's a daughter who's baby shower is apparently ruining her mother's life to do? I went into the other room to cry for a while, of course. My mom comes in and asks why I'm crying, she's the one who's having the awful day--and I tell her that I'm obviously upset about the petite fours, that it was supposed to be fun, but wasn't, and that I felt bad that she was throwing me this shower and making the petite fours when she so unquestionably didn't want to. And that I was sorry about the questions about the shower and them letting people in, I just didn't know if whoever I got on the phone that time was telling me the same stuff that they had told her, and I didn't want her to get there tomorrow and be all surprised that things weren't as planned.

She told me that she wasn't at all upset about the shower or the petite fours, she obviously wanted to do those things, or else she wouldn't have. Then she told me that while I had run to the mall to get her a watch battery, my dad, who's been laid off from work, was called back to work for the next week, and she was mad about it because apparently they had some agreement that when his cell phone rang, he wouldn't answer it or something so as not to get called back to work, because they were in the middle of remodelling the kitchen, living room, bedrooms, dining room, and formal living room, and had been working their butts off on it but weren't done, and she wanted him around to finish. She thought he had accepted current job to get away from the remodelling, but mostly to get away from her.

Because she has suddenly decided that he doesn't want to be with her, and was NOT sincere when they renewed their vows in December. All because he was called back to work, and accepted.

By the way, DID NOT HELP when I got confused and said "But you knew he would go back to work eventually".

Anyhow, spent the rest of the day listening to how she wanted to fix up the house, and sell it when she divorced my dad, and she would go to live in the cottage (they are remodelling that too right now). Listened to it for hours. Then I started making notes to self--

Note to self: If Kevin and I are having problems, don't tell the kids about it--I know from experience that they don't want to hear it.

Note to self: If I am unhappy with Kevin, and decide I think I want to kill myself, don't threaten the kids with it when you are unhappy. They don't want you to kill yourself, and there's nothing they can do to make your marriage better, there's nothing they can do to help--you'll just upset them.

Note to self: Remember, you can't be perfect all the time, but on the special days, like graduation days, wedding days, the day you get to watch your daughter try on her wedding dress for the first time---preparation day for the baby shower for your grandchild--at least try to suck it up, and leave them with some happy memories of that day. Don't threaten to not go to their wedding because you are mad at Kevin.

Shower prep, not too fun.

The next morning, we went to the restaurant where the shower was--my favorite chinese restaurant. Yes! We got there at 11, we started setting out little decorations and snacks. My mom brought gummi bears, and Kevin's sister in law Allison brought a m&m, mint, and nut mix thing. Grandpa's wife came, and her and I were busy putting three petite fours at each place setting. People started arriving right away, and about 55 people came. There was no extra room. When the restaurant opened at noon, we started eating. They have this great buffet. Now when you think of chinese buffets, at least I usually think of those weird ones where they serve huge amounts of chinese food, and then french fries and chicken nuggest and pizza and soft serve ice cream. But at this place, they have a small buffet, with like 6 items, but they are all chinese food items, and they are all very delicious. And they had egg rolls, which I love. I are really quick, said hello to a few people. A couple of my mom's cousins were being all crazy, saying things like "Don't you just love being pregnant? I loved being pregnant!"

Actually, no. Thanks for making me feel like a failure as a parent already. Honestly, I don't love being pregnant. I am fantastically excited to have a baby, and I LOVE feeling him move, and I LOVE hearing his heartbeat, and I love seeing him in ultrasounds--but honestly, I feel huge, I pee a lot, when those wonderful moments of him moving a lot aren't happening, I worry about whether or not he's ok. I worry about whether or not I'm going to do something awful to hurt him--either in the womb or when he comes out--unintentionally, of course. But will I have too sharp a tongue, and hurt his feelings someday when I'm not being very careful? Will I let him go away to boy scout camp where he'll be molested by some creepy pervert? Will he resent me because his friends all have cell phones, and I won't let him? What if he gets leukemia? What if he gets drafted someday, and ends up in some freakin' third world country, and gets hurt, or worse yet, killed? Or sees things that scar him for life, and he's never OK again?

And you know what--I miss not being huge. I miss things I used to be able to do. I miss drinking diet coke, even though I chose to give it up. Sometimes, I would really like a margarita. Sometimes, when we go out, I wouldn't even mind a beer. And I can't go to step class anymore, which I miss a lot, because the midwives say it's too high impact. And I can't roller blade, in case I fall down, and I can't roller skate, also in case I fall down. I can't jog--they say that's too high impact too. Of course I'll be able to do all those things again, but, during my pregnancy, I can't. So while I am really excited to have this baby, and am already even planning to do this one ore time for another one in a year or so--no. I can't say seriously that I LOVE being pregnant. I LOVE the anticipation of having a sweet little baby--I love thinking about all the wonderful and happy things I am looking forward to. But if I could do it without being gigantic (it's funny--after this, I think I will never consider myself fat again), and without having to change my activities, then I would probably love it. But man, a margarita and a step class sounds like a few really sweet deals right now. And God, I really want to stop crying at everything.

So after I talked to people for a few minutes, I started opening gifts. I received tons of really nice gifts. Lots and lots of blankets! Beautiful handmade blankets--look how much he's loved already:). I got some things from my registry, but most people either made blankets or bought sleepers size 0-3 months. I got a lot of diapers. Disposable ones. I planned to use cloth diapers, but I received so many diapers, maybe I will use both. I got three diaper bags--one was a gorgeous Vera Bradley green and blue baby bag, from my friend Laura. I love it:). It's beautiful. We decided to keep all the diaper bags, because my mom says they wear out. But I will probably want to save my Vera Bradley one for special occasions, because it's so pretty!:)

My friend Jessica made me a baby blanket too, and it's beautiful! She and her husband also got us a jogging stroller. Yes! So I can get back into jogging! I thought I was going to cry though when the midwife told me the other day that I can resume those normal activities after about 6 weeks AFTER I have the baby. I really thought it was immediate. Bummer.

Kevin's mom gave me Kevin's baptism outfit and blanket. Kevin's sister made me a fleece baby blanket with outer space martians on it. It's really cute:). She got me other stuff too, like diapers and stuff.

Now Aunt Dee, was a knitting fool! Er, crocheting fool, maybe. I don't know. But I will have to take some pictures of the things she made, because they were gorgeous. She made me a white blanket with a scalloped edge for the baptism. A blue zig-zag blanket because he's a boy. A pastel multicolored blanket that has these little--hmmm, not a knitter, don't know how to describe it- raised circular bumps in a pattern. Very beautiful. Will get some pics for you. She also made him a mint green cardigan, with matching booties and bonnet with a brim, that tie with green ribbons! And the cardigan has little white bunny shaped buttons! And the bonnet has the little bunny buttons sewn onto the edges of the ribbon for decoration! Soooo cute! That made me cry a little. And she also bought me these spoons and forks, with bunnies on the handles. A little spoon for when he's a baby, then some for when he's a toddler, and then a fork and spoon for when he's just a little kid. So adorable! I loved them!

Kevin's brother got him a piggy bank that had sports stuff all over it, and put some change in it to get him started. That was really cute:) Kevin's god daughter got some little high top sneakers with basketballs on them:).

My mom and Kevin's mom got us a bassinette, (I don't know if I spelled that right), a dresser, and a changing table.

We got tons and tons of stuff. Tons. LOTS of sleepers. Not many actual outfits--I think just 3- one from Ben and Sophia for their cousin, and it is navy and green with cars on it. Another one has ducks, and I can't remember what the other has on it (or if there's another, maybe just two, I don't know for sure). We got 5 bibs I think. We got a lot of books, too.

Kevin taped it, and Tiffany took pictures.

While I opened gifts, my mom handed out prizes as she drew people's names. She made stained glass stuff to give away, and people loved it.

Now, after the shower, Kevin's mom was having a family christmas in July party, and my mom and dad were going to the casino with grandpa and his wife, because it was his birthday, so I knew I had to hurry with the gifts. I did. But when I was done--people literally just got up and left--I mean it was like they formed a line, and all walked out. Didn't get a chance to talk to lots of people. My friends Jessica, Laura, and Vicky waited until everyone left and then talked to me for a couple minutes, and my grandpa had gotten there and him and Kevin loaded all the stuff into the Yukon. Grandpa was in a good mood, and teased me and said there was no room in the Yukon for all the stuff, and we would have to leave some of it at the restaurant. Of course I shook my fist at him, and told him he better find a way to make it fit, and he laughed. I had to pee, and when I came back from peeing, everyone was gone except Kevin and the lady I used to baby sit for, who we were giving a ride home to. I think my mom and dad were still there to help her into the car (she's ill and not doing well). Yes, they were there too--but then, we all left. Dropped off Vikki, Kevin unloaded all the gifts into my parents' formal living room, my little brother Jason got home from work and checked out the goods and said good bye because he was leaving for a paintball tournament and wouldn't see us before we left, and then we went to Kevin's mom's house for the christmas party in July. Which we were an hour and a half late to.

Whew! And that, was the shower. It wasn't very exciting, I hope you weren't bored. If you were bored, don't tell me, because it might make me cry. Just remember, I'm only going to have one of these in my entire life. You only have to hear about it once.

That even occured to me while I watched Kevin unloading gifts--this is it. It's all done for me. I guess I am officially a grown up. I'm married, I had the big wedding shower, I had the huge wedding. And now, the next step--I had the baby shower, and in a few short weeks, I'm having the baby. No more firsts for me, huh? I finished all of my firsts.