A special kind of bitchy
That's what I'm feeling right now. On the cusp of entering my tenth week (tomorrow morning begins week 10), I am feeling a exceptionally crabby. I've heard some pregnant women say that they have grown increasingly frustrated with their husbands while pregnant, and well, I feel them. Don't get me wrong, I love Kevin, and seriously, overall he's been pretty awesome. But sometimes.....well, this weekend hasn't been particularily awesome. Especially because I spent most of it feeling like I was going to puke. All I can tell you, is that babypants is on MY side. I know this. I know it to the very depths of my soul. I know that when the baby is actually born, that babies don't choose sides. But considering my very blood is providing life for babypants right now, right now, it sides with me. Let me tell you what makes us angry at the unsuspecting daddy.
1. I suggested a name for the baby, and he made fun of it. He thought he was being cute. He wasn't, he just made us cry. So now I am never naming the baby again, or at least I'm not telling him what the name will be (yes, I know, I will give this up in a day or so, but right now, just let me say I'm never naming babypants again, because it makes me feel better)
2. Well, we aren't exactly where we would like to be financially. We keep saying once the house in Michigan sells, and we aren't making that extra $745 a month payment, in addition to our $940 a month rent, things will get better. But it's been two years. Yes, we have renters, but they don't always feel like paying us money, and they are family 'friends', so, it's a tough situation (that babypants and I never wanted to get into to start with, for the record). So since we took such a huge loss when my house sold, we ended up getting a lot of money back for taxes. Sweet. I don't get paid maternity leave, and we got enough to cover my salary for 3 months. I can take 3 months off when the baby is born, thank you taxes. Kevin and I agreed on this, and then he was thinking of other ways to spend the money! Stop doing that!
3. We argued about baby furniture. My brother and my sister in law have offered me all their baby stuff from my niece and nephew. I graciously accepted whatever they would like to give. So Kevin tells me that his mom told him, that she is buying us a dresser/changing tables, because my mom is buying a crib, because that's what they ALWAYS do in their family. I was like wow that's really nice of her. A few problems: 1. If brother and his wife are giving us all their stuff, and that includes crib and changing table, we are taking that, because it's free, and his mom is free to get us anything else she would like that we need, if she so wishes. 2. What the--? My mom is buying us a crib?? First I've heard of that. 3. What's this 'ALWAYS' crap? His mom always buys dressers or changing tables for everyone she's ever known that has had a baby?
The answer to that is no, that is just what she 'usually' gets for her children when they have babies. So that means, considering that two of her sons have already had babies, that she has purchased a dresser/changing table 2 times. Not 50. Not 100. 2 times. Does that seriously constitute 'always' or 'usually'? Apparently she bought that, and her daughter in law's mothers bought cribs, so Kevin's mom decided that this would work in our situation as well, because that's what she 'usually' and 'always' does.
This went down a bad road.
Anytime you get anywhere close to suggesting Kevin's mom might not be doing something perfectly, he gets upset. My suggesting that we may not need a dresser, implies that his mom isn't right about getting a dresser, therefore upsetting him A LOT. After a few years together, I think I have this figured out, but that never stops me from walking into this mess. I guess I am a glutton for punishment, or retarded, I don't know. I should just learn to let things go when it comes to his mom, and let her constantly do what she wants, but you all know that's just not me. No matter how politely I suggest an alternative course of action, he's upset. I think the reason for this is that Kevin's life has been a constant attempt to win his parent's love and approval, and those are things they have never given to him. He sees his siblings get it all the time, even his sisters in law, but he never does. So he doesn't want to rock the boat, because if his love and his approval might finally be coming, then he doesn't want to miss it.
Look at how much parents screw up their kids!!
Anyhow, enough about my frustrations with the man I love. We can all see who my real frustrations are with.
OK, last time I tried to post, I lost everything. Let me try now.
posted by ElliottPreciousPants @ 4:21 PM
14 Comments:
oh dear. you will feel better, esp when you don't have to puke all the time.
a couple of choices, to save people's feelings...
maybe you can take some furniture from bro and wife, and paint it to match something you and Kev's mom choose (sort of idealistic).
maybe you can tell kevin's mom that you already have furniture, but that you would love to have her over to help decorate- how you want to stencil the drawers and crib or whatever. make her feel included, but in a way you can tell her that her money might be better spent, since you have access to other furniture.
maybe (depending on how much his family visits) you can take lots of really pricey furniture from his family, and take stuff from your bro. use your bro's stuff, and sell the rest on ebay. start babypants a college fund courtesy of grandma, or take an extra month off.
what name did you suggest- or is it a secret?
try not to take out kev's mom's tendancies on him. let him take care of you, and make sure you tell him that it's a rough time for you in terms of being teased- not that anyone likes being teased, but i know when i don't feel well, or am especially sensative about things, i take it even less well. Good luck- it will get better!
Actually, the issue with the furniture has been solved, because I recently found out that bro and his wife will still be needing the crib and changing table when babypants arrives (duh, wish I had realized that earlier) so crib and changing table are not included in the deal. That's fine. My mom actually is buying the crib I guess, and so Kevin's mom is buying the changing table.
I understand that they want to be involved. I don't understand why they feel like they have to take control. I also don't understand, why they don't understand, that even if this is their 3rd grandchild, this is our first. And even if it's not special to them because A-it's not the first grandchild B-it's not the first boy or C-it's not the first girl, it's the first everything for me and Kevin. Why can't they at least have some respect for the fact that maybe this might be 'old hat' to them, to us, it's new and exciting and a big deal.
So I am trying to think about their feelings, but it bothers me a lot that they don't feel like they ever have to think about mine.
So even though the problem is solved technically, I still can't help but be upset. I mean of course I want people involved! But why does it have to be "Elliottpreciouspants, I am going to be involved in your life, and I am going to be involved in your life on my terms, with no thought as to how you would like me involved, so that's the way it is, deal with it." Why can't it be like "Elliottpreciouspants, I want to be involved in your life. I'd like it if I could talk to you once in a while, find out more about you. Then I can know better what sort of person you are, and what the things are that you need to make this really special and exciting time in your life awesome."
Why can't it be that way? Don't you think way 2 is much nicer?
Oh, and the name I suggested was JoAnna Maria.
I know I will eventually feel better. But you know, something happened last night that really pissed me off too, and that's not helping things. I am actually feeling a lot better about it today, but last night, I felt pretty mad.
Kevin got a job interview with a large chemical company back home. It's March 10th. So we bought him a plane ticket on southwest last night. He called home to tell his family he was coming home that day, that he had a job interview. And his mom was like all pissy, and was like "well, you never told me you applied for a job there". What the?? For one thing, they almost never talk to each other. For two things, he doesn't tell her loads of things, because they only talk about the health of his aunts and uncles and the weather. For the third thing--so what! Who broadcasts to their whole family every time they apply for a job? It wasn't a secret, it just wasn't a big deal, you know. Number four--why can't she just be happy for him? Why can't she just be like "You got an interview? Awesome! When is it? Oh that day! Great! Well I really hope you get the job!" What's wrong with that response?
I think it's just bothering me a lot right now, because I want everything to be perfect for the baby. Some day, if they are still alive when the baby is looking for jobs out of college or something, and the baby says "Guess what grandma! I got a job interview and fill in the blank generic company name!" Then I want grandma to provide loving, positive feedback, like "That's wonderful, babypants!" not a guilt loaded comment like "Well, you never told Grandma you were applying for a job, babypants."
That sucks.
And it's just weird.
And I just never want anyone to hurt the babypants, emotionally or physically.
Sorry to hear you're having some problems with your mom-in-law. I hear you. In this case I'm lucky -- I have great MIL and she lives in another continent. So, she's great when we talk over the phone or when she visits a few weeks every other year. I don't want to presume anything - but maybe things will get better when babypants is born. Daughters-in-law and moms-in-law may not always see eye to eye, but hopefully moms and grandmas do! BTW, I like the name you picked out. I was thinking about "Joanna" too for when I have my baby. But I'm leaning more towards "Julianna" these days :)
Are you pregnant yet?:)
We were considering Aidan for a boy's name, but then we found out it was like the #1 most popular name last year for boys, so we are reconsidering.
I think the favored name for a boy is Theodore right now. Theodore James. We could call him Teddy. Awww:) I seriously love that. And it reminds me of awesome people that I liked. Like Teddy Roosevelt. And Teddy Ruxpin.
We are also considering Virginia and Charlotte for girls. Virginia Mae, and maybe Charlotte Mae, or maybe Charlotte Rose. I don't know.
Julianna is a beautiful name:)
I really like Oliver a lot. But it's absolutely laughable with our last name, because it rhymes with twist.
I also like Joshua. But #1-it was a top ten name last year, and #2-Kevin hates it.
Boy. So much.
First off - I would never be as nice as Melissa & Joanne - RE: furniture - your MIL was just being stupid. Why does it "have" to be a certain way? Whatever. I would not have been nice about it. What's the point of buying you a dresser and crib thing when you were (at least at that time) going to get one for free. Especially if money is somewhat on your minds, it would be a million times more helpful to buy something else. So there. Your mother in law is an idiot. And I think you're right to be peeved at Kevin (and I do think he's wonderful, I'm not trying to stir the shit pot or whatever) but still - I would have been like "why can't you see your mom is being stupid???"
I should probably never get pregnant. Or married, for that matter.
Next - Joanna Maria is beautiful. He should not have laughed. And having a child is super costly, so he should not be thinking about other ways to blow the money.
I'm so clearly on yours and babypants side.
I do think it's good to be nice to your MIL and good to compromise. But that's the point - COMPROMISE - not just whatever she wants, or for that matter, whatever you want.
And I would not worry about your MIL being bad for your kids. Especially by the time babypants is in college, s/he will understand what Grandma is like and won't take it personally. Lots of people have crazy grandmas!
Nope, I'm not pregnant yet. Coming up with baby names is just wishful thinking for now.
You know, Joshua and James are on my list for baby boy names too. We're pretty much limiting our names to those that start with "J" since my hubby and I have names that start with "J" and my family has always been referred to as the "7 J's".
Theodore is adorable though!
And, Sareet's right about lots of people having crazy grandmas! Having crazy people in the family builds character and of course makes things interesting. Try not to let this get to you and do think happy baby thoughts!
You guys are all awesome. This is why everyone needs to have awesome friends like you.
I actually do feel significantly better right now than I felt earlier. It might be from thinking about what the three of you said, it might be from venting, or it might be from the raspberry paczki (pronounced punch-kee) that I ate about an hour ago.
Or maybe, I'm not feeling as exhausted, I don't feel like I'm going to hurl (thanks paczki day!) or my hormones have finally let up a little.
While I might be super bitchy, I think you can probably all see that my main issue is anxiety. I know I know, I need to quit being anxious, because the baby will be a transexual if I am too stressed. Maybe another paczki will do the trick...
i can't believe you ate a paczki and NOW feel like you won't hurl. i love those things. freshmen year, my mom mailed us a dozen....
I know. They are Harry Potter magical style anti-hurling devices, I guess.
I can't believe it either. And later, I ate another one (both raspberry, yum:))
Probably shouldn't have eaten another one, but, in all honesty, I was at work, I was starting to feel hungry, and that was what was here--one last paczki. And I felt awesome after eating it.
I was feeling guilty about eating paczki's at all this year, because they are so fattening, but when I talked to the lady at the bakery, she told me that she doesn't fry them in lard, just vegetable oil, so if I am used to ones with lard, this might taste different to me. And it did. But it was still good. Actually, it tasted a little more like a donut.
I'm not sure I got the story correctly. Are these people still renting from you? And is this in a place you currently reside?
If you are truly happy with getting the free stuff from your relatives, I would gently offer that your MIL buy item X or Y as an alternative. Either you or hubby mention that you've been lucky enough to get free stuff, but you could really use help with other item instead (you'll have plenty of other baby stuff to get!). This will also take off some of the financial burden with you.
It's difficult for some people to recognize, but they are so often into helping THEIR way rather than asking what kind of help you need.
Btw, forgot to mention in a previous comment that I totally understand you wanting to be back home with the baby. We were living in San Diego for 4 years and knew that we wanted to eventually move back to the east coast where our family is. And it worked out great. We were (surprise!) pregnant a few months after we moved back. *Whew* Just in time ;)
I agree with you. People really are into helping in THEIR way. And I know their hearts are in the right place, but it would be so much easier if we could just talk to them and be open and honest, and have that be accepted....
But anyhow. The house we have is back home in Michigan, and we do have people 'renting' it. They had gone several months without paying us rent, but now have recently caught back up. The situation is difficult because they are friends of my husband's family, and his family thinks that since we both work, we should just support other people if we are able to.
ONe of the problems with that is our definitions of being able to--we want to be able to save money for ourselves and our retirement, and maybe a house here someday. Yes, if we spend every penny we make, we can support ourselves and put a roof over our renter's heads. But it sucks. I hope they keep paying us the rent.
If they didn't rent the house would you sell it or just get other renters?
I think that your husband's family's demands are unreasonable. If THEY want to pay their rent, that's up to them. But it's not your job to carry them, if you are not FLOODED with money.
It's a very reasonable and RESPONSIBLE thing for you to want to save for yourself in case of emergency, save for your family's future, etc.
I'm glad they are caught up, but I would speak with the renters since they have a history of delinquent payments and state that you will be having a baby soon and your financial priorities and situation have changed. And that you will really need them to pay the rent on time. This way, they will have the heads up.
What if you or your husband want to stay home? Or what if something comes up and you don't have a good emergency fund? And if you were already paying your child's tuition, would it be right for them to take money that you need for your family? It's not.
I understand they are having a difficult time. And I think you have been very generous to help them out. But I also think they need to decide how to find a way to better their situation or live on a different budget if they can't afford to live there. I mean, you have expenses that you are paying for and if you can't, you don't buy or you cut back.
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